can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
