saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
