I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
FUCK WHALES
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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