apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
