she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
