I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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