I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
