If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Everyone says I win the strip club
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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