youre lurking in front of me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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