So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
