Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
