Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
