Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
