I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
