upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
