there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
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Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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