Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
