i think my tv is drunk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
