if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
