i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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