Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
