I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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