When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
