i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
