I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
