when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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