yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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