Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
