I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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