so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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