She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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