I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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