Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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