That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
