Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
