I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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