Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
