I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
