Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
