Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
