My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
