MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
