Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
