She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
