mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm getting married
To pizza
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