Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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