if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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