apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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