cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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