I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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