I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
