I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
