I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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