Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
