just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
