if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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