The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
