i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
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We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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