Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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